I Promised
by Querida23
Summary: Love is a promise, love is a souvenir, once given never forgotten, never let it disappear said John Lennon. If you think it's not true, then think again...why should death separate two halves of a whole?
1. an oath

**Hey! wow, i spent last week skimming through the mediator, and i've come up with this idea..its pretty odd, but it made sense in my head. this first chapter is short..but i didnt know what else to put...the summary was a little short, but i dont know what else. I dont want to give too much away.but the title should help**

* * *

Jesse POV

I walked through the house. It

was bright. Everything looked the same Yet I felt different. That girl disappeared. Where did she go? Even now I could still feel her arms wrapped around mine and the flames licking our heals.

"Mama?" I called to her. When I heard no answer, I began my trek to the kitchen where she would probably be. She was.

"Mama, did you not hear me calling you?" I asked.

"Hector de Silva!" I was twenty years old and the sound of her voice calling my name still brought forth a sense of running like it had when I was a child.

"Is there a problem Mama?" I sat on the stool in front of her. She was rolling tortillas.

"I thought you were on the way to Maria's. Why are you home so soon?"

I felt my eyebrow twitch in an automatic response.

"I have news. I was going to tell you before, but I'm not sure you would take it so lightly. I have decided not to marry Maria."

"Hector" she said in the same tone as before.

"Mama, I am twenty years old. I feel that its partial to my rights as a man on whom I should and shouldn't be marrying."

"But you like Maria don't you?" she asked.

I chuckled.

"No I don't. and I think she felt the same when she sent her slave runner to do her bidding for her and end the engagement her self by killing me. If it weren't for Susannah-"

"Who is Susannah?" it appeared she only heard half of what I said, and the name Susannah brought up curiosity.

"A girl who aided in saving my life. I owe her that much. If it weren't for her, I'd be the one at the bottom of the burn barn."

She stopped rolling all together.

"Why would Maria do such a thing? She wanted to marry you. Don't you want to marry her?"

"Mama, please try to see my reasoning. And I am not making this up. Felix Diego is dead. He was sent by Maria to kill me so she wouldn't have to marry me. Even though I was on my way to break it off anyways. Could have saved them the trouble if they would just let me complete my journey."

"What will they say? We'll be the laughing stock in the entire city"

"I think you should count your blessings Mama. Where is father? I will break the news to him."

I walked off from my mother and went out to the fields. Father was there talking to one of the workers.

I leaned against the fence that held the pigs in the hen. Susannah's voice was in my mind

"_So it's Miss Susannah is it? Oh that's just great. I come all the way back here, risking major brain cell burnout, and you don't even believe me? I'm basically guaranteeing myself a lifetime of heartbreak, and all you have to say is that you think I'm not right in the head? Thanks a lot, Jesse. No, really. That's just fine"_

She started crying then. It was a moment later when she announced something secret that I had told no one, except maybe my horse. She had to have known me. Only someone I trusted and loved would have known it. Did I love her in this future she came from? She did care for me to some extent if allowing me to live would cause her heartbreak. Another thing she said came replayed in my mind.

"_Because you see, if you don't die tonight, you and I-in the future, where I come from-will never meet. And I couldn't bear to let that happen. And you even-in the future- said you didn't want that to happen"_

Who was this Susanna to me that I would rather have stayed a ghost knowing her, than never have died So that we would never have met? She was someone dear to me. I was sure of it. I looked up into the sunset.

"Susanna Simon, wherever you are. One day we will meet again. I promise you that much. I owe you so much, you wont spend a lifetime where we have not met. I promise"

With the coming of twilight, I went to break the news to my father.

* * *

**hmm, and the judges say...**


	2. something's missing

**i wonder...**

* * *

The sun was pouring itself on my face. I looked up and saw that I had not made it to the bed as I was still perched on the window seat. I looked around. Everything was the same. Of course it was, how could it be different? Why would it be?

When I sat up, my head started to throb. I clenched my fist to my temples hoping it would stop the pain. My eyes flashed the last five years into my head. Walking hand in hand with Paul down the beach. Dad teaching me how to ride my bike. Coming off the plane to see all the trees. My utter shock when I discovered that the house Andy had moved us into was really ancient. The first ghost I ever saw. Everything seemed normal. My heart was beating fast. As if I had run a mile. I put my hand on my heart as if that would stop the hurting. It felt hollow somehow. If that were possible. Something was missing. I didn't know what it was. But something wasn't right. Maybe Paul would know.

The pain in my head seemed to fade. But my heart still acted as if I couldn't breathe in full.

I got up from the seat. My calendar informed me that it was barely Sunday. After a quick shower and tidings to my mom and my step dad, I informed her that I would be going out to see Dad who lived a little outside city limits. Then I would go see Paul.

Driving didn't stop pain. Before I hit the city, I made u-turn and circled around to Paul's house. Dad would have to wait.

I knocked on the door.

Paul's grandpa's attendant answered the door.

"Oh hello Susan. Paul isn't here right now. Would you like to come in and wait?"

As if the bell went off in my head, I thought of Dr. Slaski.

"Is grandpa awake?" I asked once I was in the house.

She nodded 'mmhmm. Follow me."

I followed her until she got into the room where Family Feud was on the TV.

"Look who came to see you Sir."

"Hi Dr." I said to him, to the nurse "Can I have a few moments with him alone?"

"of course dear." and she walked out.

"So Suze, what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?" he sobered up and appeared normal.

"I have a question. This morning, something was wrong. It was as if something wasn't right. In here" I patted my heart.

"I'm hardly the pro on young women's hearts dear. Is it spiritual?"

I nodded. "It seems like there's something missing. But I don't know what it is. And this wont go away. Also, it feels like its always been there. Since I've moved here. I cant remember not feeling like this, but this feeling is so new"

"I told that rotten grandson of mine not to mettle with things."

"What would Paul have to mettle with?"

"I don't know. I'm sure if you asked me last week, I would have known. Everything is different. I can feel it too. Damn grandson. Always pretending like he's god. I made the mistake. And now look at him. He'll only end up like I am now."

"Sir I'm confused. How do I stop the pain? I don't think I can live like this."

"Kids and their melodrama. You stop the pain by finding out what my grandson did to you. And then in turn finding out what you lost. that's all I can some up. Whatever he did, it wasn't meant to happen. Now that I think of it, I'm not sure he'll even remember what he did. You guys _have_ been wrapped up in each other for the past two years."

Another headache came.

This time more memories clouded my vision. But they were ones I couldn't have lived. They were on a farm. In a field with mountains surrounding everything. A tall figure dressed in blank pants and white shirt was out in the middle. Walking towards another. Everything didn't make sense. The figure looked behind once as if he noticed something peculiar. I saw him. And for a moment, my heart stopped hurting. I felt something grab my shoulder. I turned and I was back in the room with Dr. Slaski and now Paul Slater.

* * *

**So do you get it now?**


	3. easy breathing

**i know they seem short, but i swear I could only go so far with 2 pages with the way im writing.**

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I swiped his hand away from my shoulder.

"What have you done to me Paul?" I heard the hate in my own voice and did not recognize it.

"What are you talking about Suze? I didn't do anything."

Dr. Slaski looked from me to him.

"Believe him on this Suze. If he changed anything, he wouldn't know what it was"

"What are you doing here Suze? And what are you two talking about?" Paul looked even more confused than I had been.

"Nothing Paul. It was just a little question I had. I'm going to go. Talk to you later?"

Before Paul got the chance to pull me back, I exited the house and approached my car. Just sat there wondering if Paul would chase me. He didn't. And I just sat there with my head against the steering wheel. Going over the memory in my head. It wasn't mine. I was sure of that. But the place looked familiar. I started the car and put it in reverse. I didn't know where I was going. I just drove.

break

It started to rain. The water pounded against the window and I could hardly see past the wipers. I had left my dad and his girlfriend just a half hour before. But I wasn't in any hurry to get home. To what? What was there besides more memories that I don't remember having?

I pulled over when I couldn't drive anymore. The rain seemed to clear away when I stopped but I wasn't anxious to go home. I looked out the window and saw the sky. Amazing. The clouds were gone and I could see a lot of stars. I actually spotted the Big Dipper and Orion's Belt. I tried to start the car. To my luck, no gas. And the battery seemed to be dead.

I stepped out of the car and saw that I was parked next to a corn field. Scary. Wasn't this how horror movies started? I saw a light across the corn field. Maybe there was someone who could give me a lift. Then again, did I want to walk across the muddy field in my new boots? I got back into the car and searched the back for a blanket. Before I dozed off, because it was obvious I wasn't moving anywhere, out from the corner in my eye a faint glow appeared. Great.

I got out of the car and had no choice but to walk. I kept moving. Calling out hello every so often, maybe the ghost would hear me and save me the walk. I felt the heel to my book snap. I had to grab on to the nearest stalk next to me before I fell into the mud. The stalk of corn snapped and I fell hands first into the mud.

"Oh GREAT!" I looked up into the sky

"ARE YOU ANGRY WITH ME!?" I shouted. Maybe no one heard me. I heard feet shuffling towards me. Ghost didn't have weight. Maybe it was the lone farmer coming to prey on the innocent victim who stumbled upon his farm because she was dumb enough to follow the ghost.

I got to my feet and dragged my feet through the mud puddle.

"Hello?" His voiced asked. I stopped dead in my tracks. It was familiar. Where have I heard it before?

Nothing came to mind, but I couldn't sum up the energy to keep walking.

"Hello?" I called back, my voice a pitch higher than normal.

I heard footsteps again. It wasn't a ghost. That much I knew.

"I wont hurt you miss. I promise. I live in the ranch up north." he replied as if that information meant anything to me.

His promise seemed to hold some valor so I turned to where I could hear his voice coming from.

He finally approached me, and face that seemed so familiar, yet so different looked at me.

"Oh you're just a girl." he didn't look as stupid as his comment suggested. Maybe appearances were deceptive.

I looked down at my feet and then up into his dark eyes.

"Gee thanks Doctor, I would never have guessed myself." Damn it Suze. This totally nice guy comes down to save you and all you can offer is sarcasm.

I expected him to say 'peace out' but he just burst into laughter.

"My family owns this ranch that you are on. Would you like to get into warm shelter? Or maybe I could help you find your car. Of course I would prefer the latter, but its all up to you miss."

"My name is Suze. None of this miss stuff."

He smiled again. A smile to knock my heart into shock. Which I barely noticed that wasn't hurting so much now.

"Soose?"

Gosh this was going to be a tough one.

"Susannah. As in 'oh Susannah don't you cry for me'"

He smiled.

"My mom and grandma used to sing that song to me, and their grandparents before them…"

"and are these adults at the house right now?"

"My grandma is, and so is my mom.

I nodded, what else could I do?

"And your name is?" I asked still frozen in the mud.

"It's Hector, but everyone in my family calls me Jesse."

* * *

**im not sure if i should announce who he's related to. but youre going to find out sooner or later. hmm..decisions...ah. ill make you wait.**


	4. paul who?

**this one is a little bit longer. :D**

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We walked the lengthy distance to his front gate. The pastures looked like the ones I had seen in the dream. Was it just this morning?

Jesse, as he let me call him had three brothers and one sister. By the time we got to the ranch, he knew about my siblings as well. The only person I dared not bring up was Paul.

"Jesse, you're being real sweet about this. I barely know you. And the same goes for you."

"Really? It feels like I've known you my whole life. And no that's not a pick up line. Unless it worked. But if it didn't, then no."

Amazing. I thought the same thing.

"Mom?" he opened the door and let me go in first. Because I had no idea where I was going, I waited just a step in. looking in at the big house, I was impressed. didn't farms have crop failure or something?

"Jesse, where have you been? We were about to send your father." a woman who appeared to be his mother looked him up and down. And then at me.

"Who is this?"

"Ma, this is Susannah.." he trailed off

"Susannah Simon. My car ran out of gas and my battery stalled. I'm sorry to impose on you like this. But could I use your phone?"

"of course absolutely. Jesse, show her where the phone is please. You must be starving. And cold. You look a little too big to fit into anything of Marta's. I'll go see if Jesse has a clean pair of sweats." she left the room.

I looked at Jesse who looked embarrassed.

"I'm so sorry. We hardly have people over." he added.

"It's okay. I haven't felt this welcome since I moved to California two years ago. My step brothers are starting to forget their hospitality manners and beginning to remember that I'm just their sister."

He smiled.

The phone was being charged on a countertop in their enormous living room. He handed it to me and disappeared into one of the many halls.

It rang.

Mom: Hello? Susie?

Me: Yeah, mom it's me. My car stalled on the way home from dads.

Mom: Where are you Susie? I'll come and get you.

Me: Hold on, lemme ask Jesse where exactly this is.

Mom: Who's Jesse?

I looked up to see that Jesse was right there in front of me. How did he appear so fast?

He had a grey sweatshirt and grey sweatpants in his hand.

"My mom wants to know where I am so she could come get me.

Was it just to my imagination or did his eyes get sad all of a sudden. He put the clothes in my hands and took the phone from me.

"Hello ma'm."

There was a pause. I cringed at the thought of what questions she was asking him.

"I live about 10 miles away. pause Of course, I agree it is too late for either of us to drive. pause yes ma'm my mother and grandmother are here. pause tomorrow morning I could take her home as soon as possible. She'll be safe with me ma'm. I promise." he looked at me and smiled.

"Alrighty, here she is." he handed me the phone and plopped on the couch.

Me: Mom you there?

Mom: Wow Susie, I didn't know you had friends out that far. Are you sure you're safe? I mean he does sound a little old.

I blushed

Me: Mom, I'm fine. Jesse's a sweet boy.

Mom: Oh yes, I wanted to tell you that Paul keeps calling. You want me to call him and tell him that you're safe?

I cringed again. If he were to come over here, he'd ruin any time I had left with this clear breathing I hadn't felt in a long time. At least I don't think so…

Me: Tell him I stayed over at Dads. I'll call him when I get home. Good night.

Mom: Okay Susie. See you soon.

We clicked off and I put the phone back on the charger.

"You're mom seems nice." he said to break the silence.

"she is."

I remembered the cloth I held in my hands and ran my fingers across the hem.

"Oh, you ready to change?" he sat up and took my hand to an adjacent hall that leaded north. He walked in first.

"There's a new toothbrush in there. My dad stockpiles this stuff each year. If you want to take a shower the towels are in the cabinet above the toilet, and yea…" his face was growing red with each passing second.

"It's okay Jesse, you don't have to tell me how to take a shower. That I do know." he laughed

"If you're hungry, I bet my mom has something for you when you come out. Just call for me if you get lost."

He left me to my own and after a warm shower I was out and about in his warm sweats. Even though they were clean, they smelled of him. I eyed my clothes I had worn, and they were a write off. So soaked with mud that no amount of money spent at the dry cleaners would repair. I heard a knock.

"Susanna? Did you fall in?" I opened the door and there he was standing in a white t-shirt and blue checkered pajama bottoms.

"It appears so." I inhaled.

"What smells so yummy?"

"Mom reheated the pasta she made for dinner. And she reheated the pie. I hope you like apple."

* * *

The food was good as was the pie. For some reason I couldn't get out of the habit of just staring at him. His eyes were dark, and there seemed to be a scar running through his eyebrow. His hair wasn't curly like Paul's. but wavy and dark. I wonder what it felt like to run my hand through it. It looked soft.

"Susanna, you okay?" he lowered his head from the other side of the table to catch my gaze.

"Uh yea, um. How did you get the scar on your eyebrow."

He looked up, as if trying to see it, and remembered what I was referring to

His mother spoke up.

"Oh, it's a family curse. It was said that my great, great, great, great, great uncle had one just like it. Every so generation, a son got one. The Uncle got his from a dog bite. Just like Jesse here." she smiled.

"How long have you guys been in California?"

"my family has been here for the past 175 years."

"You like history Susannah?" his grandmother asked.

"I find it fascinating." I admitted.

"We de Silva's have a long line of history here. Maybe tomorrow morning, Jesse can show you his uncle. Splitting image of the man. If I do say so myself."

"That'd be cool. I hardly have any history to report on. I use to live in New York. Everything changes with the times."

"New York fascinates me. So many people in one tiny space." he smiled again. His smile seemed to be able to slow down my heart. Made it easier to breathe. I inhaled again.

Before I noticed it, Jesse's grandma and mom left us alone.

"So you go to the mission high school?" he asked.

I nodded. It looked like I was missing school tomorrow.

"I used to go there. I had to take some time off to help my dad with the farm. I think I might have reason now to go. Has it changed much?" he asked.

"I wouldn't know. I only began two years ago."

"So you keep saying."

"Jesse, I just remembered it was Sunday. It appears im not going to school tomorrow."

"Looks like it. Unless you want me to take you home right now. Your mom seemed pretty adamant that you stay here for the night. I partially agree because you never know what's out there at night."

"I have a pretty good idea on what's out there. Or more or less what's not out there."

He smiled at me.

"Is that the only reason why you agree?" I asked. Okay, I know I'm a glutton for punishment, and I do have a boyfriend who I'm sure likes me to some point. But he was cute. And sweet. And it just felt right.

"Partially. I enjoy the company. Its kind of lonesome with only the horses for company."

I could feel the streak of blush cross my cheeks. I fiddled with my hands to resist the temptation of running a hand through his hair. I bet it was just as silky as it looked.

"So tomorrow, since you're in no rush to get home, I can show you around the farm. And talk about that history my grandmother was referring to." he broke the silence and I looked up into his eyes and put my hand on his. He looked at our hands, and smiled down at me.

"That'd be great Jesse. I couldn't think of something I'd like more to do."

I was dazzled underneath his smile. My return smile contrasted against his and we just sat there for god knows how long just smiling at each other.

If I knew better, I'd take my hand away. But everything felt right. I inhaled deeply. This was good. By the time I hit the hay, I was thinking 'Paul who?


	5. too right

**i think one sucks. i just couldnt figure out where this one was going.**

* * *

"At last but not least, we have The Uncle, who never married and who ran the farm until he died. Then it was left to someone on my times five great grandmother Marta's line." he said holding on to the reign of the horse we were walking.

"Do you have a picture of all these people? I'm trying to put a face to their names and bios." it was barely ten and Jesse had ran me through all his ancestors.

"Which brings us to our stop. After we put Dusty away, ill show you the library." he smiled again and went into the barn.

I stayed out there, still wearing his clothes as he concluded I should keep them because my clothes were trash.

"where were you coming from dressed like that?" he asked as we observed them in the morning

"I was at my dads house." I didn't know what the problem was. It wasn't even that short of a skirt a little over my knees and the motorcycle jacket.

His eyebrow went up making my heart beat faster.

My actions of the past two days were surprising me. Never had I EVER been interested in history. Or another person's history. Why did he make any difference?

He came out of the barn soon enough and grabbed my hand.

"come on. We have lots to see." we actually ran to his house. By the time we were out of breath we were at the verandah laughing. We sat on the swing for a moment to catch our breaths.

"Ready?" he said standing up.

I nodded and he grabbed my hand once again and we entered the house. His grandmother was at the window. I was sure she was watching us. I couldn't help but blush.

As if the same thing had not occurred to Jesse, he walked me into the library where one wall was dedicated to old family portraits. The biggest one at the center was of a family. With the mother, father, a son, and five girls. The only boy was looking down at me, as if he were watching me. I gasped when Jesse laid his hand on shoulder.

"That's Hector de Silva. The man I was named after. Otherwise known as The Uncle."

"Why do I get the feeling that you capitalize that?"

"Well he was notorious for his standoffishness. Always alone."

"You say he never married?"

He shook his head.

"How lonesome. Maybe he liked being alone." I looked up into the dark eyes of the portrait. They looked just like the ones I had stared into all night.

"Anyone who likes being alone is happy about it. This one, it was written in his mothers diary that once he came home from breaking of his one time engagement, nothing was the same. It was as if some part of him died. But he lived an old life, and died alone."

"That's sad." I felt the tears in my eyes roll down my cheeks.

He put his hand underneath my chin and wiped the tears away with his callused thumb. The feeling felt so intimate. I wanted to lean in, but I couldn't. I had only met him the day before.

"Why are you crying Susannah?"

"It's just sad. Why didn't he get married?"

If I looked up into his eyes, mines would betray me and welcome him closer.

"Everything was recorded believe it or not. My ancestors liked to write stuff down. Remember how I told you last night about everyone one of us having been raised on the song 'oh Susannah.'?"

I nodded.

"Well, he sang that to himself a lot. Even when he thought no one was watching. He hummed, or sang."

"Why that song?"

"Isn't it obvious? He was probably jilted by someone named Susannah. He took to writing himself before he died." he took a book out from underneath a stack on the desk and handed it to me. It was a journal.

"HJDS" was embossed in black handwriting. I traced my finger over the letters and looked up at a smiling Jesse.

"I've been reading it lately. Pretty interesting stuff. He was very smart for someone in his time. Considering that not everyone was literate of course."

"May I?" I looked into the book.

"Of course."

I opened the first page and saw his inscription in neat black ink,

_The memory is a fickle thing. Its amazing on what God allows one to remember and one to forget I forgot last week to remind Josephina to take the laundry off the line. But I remember years ago. Those green eyes looked into mine and said it 'I'm here to keep you from being murdered here tonight' I see her often. In my memories and my dreams. In the dreams, I am not the old man I am today. I was the young man on my way to end an engagement for obvious reasons. It was when we met. She was tied to the hayloft in the O'Neil's barn. And I had untied her and gave her water. There was also one time where we were together. Her hand entangled in mine, and her eyes gleaming up at me. That could have been the dream part. I am still not sure even now. That could be my age finally catching up with me. I don't want to forget her. I don't want to have the world forget the young woman who saved my life. I owe her, and will keep the promise I made all those years ago. I'll be with my Susannah once again, be it in heaven or whatever else God plans. If there were ever two people who were meant to be, I think it was her and I. And that, is something God has no control over…_

I looked up at Jesse who was smiling at me.

"That has to be the saddest thing I've ever read."

"Really? I concluded he was quite obsessed with the poor girl. No wonder she left town." he actually sounded serious.

"That's not what its about Jesse. She was the girl who got away. Maybe she died."

He shrugged. "Never thought of it that way. It's all a little eerie to me. One man who never married because of a girl he met when he was 20."

"That's what you call True Love. I have a little more respect for this standoffish uncle of yours. He remained faithful all his life, even though it cost him. I'd have liked to met him in his time."

"Considering your name, I think he would have liked you."

"Right. You look just like him. Of course, the same sadness in his eyes isn't there in yours." I looked into his eyes and then up to the portraits.

"I'm sure if you saw me a week ago, you wouldn't be saying that." he laughed. Something about what he said was a little like what Dr. Slaski said. "I bet if you would have asked me a week ago.."

I grew serious.

"So Susannah, I was thinking, since you live in Carmel, and I live out here…maybe I could drive up some time and we could hang out. I know you probably have lots of cool friends, and I'm not sure you'd ever want to see me again-"

"Okay, Jesse. I know youre just saying that boost your ego. You know I'd want to see you again."

His smile could have illuminated the sky.

"Really?"

"Yes of course."

"Well, as soon as I have your car fixed…"

I was struck in permanent awe. The whole day I had spent with Jesse was filled with more conversation than I had been used to. In the oddest way, it felt like we were trying to make up for lost times. But what time had we needed? I only knew him for a little over a day, and he was the nicest hottest? person I have ever met.

"…get together or something. I hear they have a good seafood…"his voice trailed off and he just stared at me. As if I was the only one there in the proximity.

"Will I sound corny if I say you took the words out of my mouth?"

"Just a little bit, but I wont tell."

What are you doing Susannah? You have a boyfriend. His name is JESSE. No PAUL! Its Paul. Eh, it could be Jesse. It's not like Paul would miss you or anything. He's probably at home right now with Kelly Prescott. Still, its dishonorable. It would only make me look bad.

"You mentioned you were going back to school soon?"

He nodded.

"It's been to long. Besides, you wouldn't have a reason why you wouldn't come down anymore."

I punched him gently on the arm.

"Oh Jesse. I'm sure I'd think of-"

In that moment, Jesse seized my waist, wrapping his arm around me and brought his lips to mine.

* * *

**hah! i know. its so fast. but when you've been in love (as i am) things kind of happen real fast. trust me, ive read so many romance novels. its not even funny. sometimes thats how love is. or true love for that matter. im already working on number six. :D c'mon, you have to get me some readers..pretty pretty please. my ego needs boosting**

**-Querida23-**


	6. seriously what's going on?

**i think these chapters keep getting longer and longer. if you mind, let me know. i like having every chapter be worth the wait.**

* * *

The kiss was perhaps ten seconds. But it felt like several days.

Okay I'm sorry. I kissed Jesse, and it felt good. Really good. The kiss didn't feel wrong in the least bit. It felt as if my soul was whole again.

You know that feeling you get when you cant see, but then someone gives you glasses and you discover how bad your eyesight really was? that's how it felt. I didn't know what I was missing. Something inside me thought that ,maybe I had it all along. I just needed to find it. As if I lost it.

After a while I stopped thinking, and let Jesse's kiss take me to a whole level of passion I had never had with Paul. There.

I pulled away.

That one little word was enough to bring me to my senses.

"I'm sorry Querida." his voice was deep and ragged.

"What does that mean?"

"I don't know why I called you it. It means sweetheart, or beloved one. And endearment if it were. I'm sorry if it scared you. I don't normally kiss people the day after I've met them, but something about you-"  
I nodded.

"I understand Jesse. I feel the same way." but why was I crying? Deep down I knew. It was Paul. One thing was for sure, I was gong to break up with him before I saw Jesse again.

"I want to say it though. Something about you drives me towards you. Did we only meet just last night? It feels like I've known you for years. A lifetime even. I think when we met last night, I knew this was going to happen."

"This?"

He looked down to our entangled hands.

"There is something there about you that I cant put a finger on. That kiss wasn't a mistake. In fact, I'd like nothing better to do than to kiss you on a regular bases. If that's okay with you." he brought my hands up to his lips and kissed the finger tips.

HAH! Same goes for me pal.

"Really? You know, if you spent more time in town, all the girls would be at your heels chasing you. I mean, just one stroll down the main street and you'll forget about me." a curl had come loose from my head band and he tucked it behind my ear.

"I highly doubt that Querida. Ha. The name suits you. I hope you don't mind."

"I think it's getting late Jesse. If we want to make it back to town before dark, we should get started. Not that I mind staying here. Its pretty peaceful. But I don't want people to worry about me."

His grin stretched from ear to ear. He put his arm around my waist and we headed out to his car.

"Take this with you Susannah." Senora De Silva handed me a hot bundle.

"Tortillas." Jesse muttered.

"You best visit soon Susannah. " his mother embraced me.

"I will." I would.

Jesse started his truck and revved the engine.

"We're off"

And we were

He pulled up to my house and turned off the car.

"So, this is your place." he looked at the house through my window. The sun was already starting to set.

"Yeah. It used to be an old Inn back in the day. My mom's husband-Andy- remodeled it. It's what he does." I didn't want to say bye. Not now. Not ever. But I knew it had to come. Jesse was too good to be true. And because of Paul, the whole "us" thing would never happen,

"That's nice." he put his hands back on the steering wheel.

"So you really thinking about coming back to school Jesse?"

He nodded and looked at me. As if he was seeing me for the first time.

"Yes Querida. An education is important I think. I cant get anywhere on the farm."

"We'll I'll be seeing you then." my hands were shaking as I tried to unbuckle the seat belt. Jesse's hands were on mine, and I looked up into his eyes.

"Susannah," he trailed off and his hand cupped my chin just two seconds before he leaned into a soft kiss.

His lips stayed on mine for a second before I deepened the kiss. My hand wound around his neck as I leaned forward. I felt a sigh escape from my lips. His free hand gripped the hand I had on his neck and I let go.

"Bye Jesse." I was grinning like an idiot.

"Hold on. What kind of gentleman would I be if I didn't open your door for you?" he smiled again and got out of the truck. I waited as he walked in front of the car and did exactly that.

We were up my door and even standing on the porch, he was still tall. He held my hand again kissed the tips just as before.

"Goodnight Querida." and he walked down the path to his truck. I stayed at the door until his truck was out of sight. Still grinning like an idiot I walked into the house.

Only Max, the family dog greeted me

"I'M HOME!"

* * *

"So Suze, where were you yesterday?" CeeCee asked before taking a bite of the Dorito she had fished for.

"Um, I got stranded Sunday night outside of town. It was too far to drive that late, and the Jesse's mother said it was alright if I could stay." I blurted. I remembered where I was and looked around to see if Paul was anywhere near. He wasn't. As usual.

"Jesse? And who might that be? Gosh Suze. I'm hurt." Adam put his hand on his chest, and CeeCee rolled her eyes at him.

"Jesse de Silva. You guys don't know him?"

"De Silva. Oh yes. You remember him Adam. He was that boy who helped you out with Father Dom."

Adam crinkled his eyebrows as if he was trying to remember the day.

"Oh! Your right. He left right before you came Suze. His father had a stroke and he had to leave school to help him on the farm."

"What happened with Father Dom?" I asked ignoring the Twinkie Adam tossed at me.

"Well you remember the one time the statue of Juniperro Serra-well you know. It happened before. Adam was just walking by it when the statue just collapsed. The whole school said it was Adam. But Jesse had been there and sorted everything out. Adam was cleared and Jesse as popular as ever."

I nodded. Jesse did seem like the popular type.

"So no bad records I should be worried about?" the courtyard was clearing fast and one of the novices was ushering everyone out. We sat up and began our walk. CeeCee and I had government next so we separated ways with Adam.

"Why you ask?" she answered

I looked around me to see if Paul was in sight. He wasn't. But he'd be there soon.

"Well, he sort of kissed me. And I kissed back."

Her mouth was slack jawed.

"What about Paul?"

What about him?

"What about me?" his voice made the hair behind my neck stand up.

He put his arm around my shoulder and kissed my cheek.

"Long time no see Suze."

"I'll see you after class Suze." she went off to the front of the tables. She didn't feel comfortable around Paul. And I wouldn't blame her. Recently, he only ever gave met he shivers. Where the feel of Jesse's hand under my chin made my heart beat faster. In a good way of course.

"What were you two talking about?" he wondered. I was thankful that he couldn't read my mind. Apart from the mediating or shifting as he liked to call it, that was all we had in common.

"Nothing. Just girl stuff." I hoped that would deter him from his course. It normally worked with my brothers.

"So where were you yesterday?" he asked.

I tried to remember what my mom had told him, but I was in luck because a student monitor handed me a pass to see Father Dominick, another mediator.

"Duty calls." I kissed him on the cheek and grabbed my bag leaving CeeCee a look that said 'ill explain later'

"So Susannah, any news on the highway incident on Friday?"

I shook my head.

"Father, did you know a student named Jesse de Silva?"

"oh don't tell me you saw him as a ghost. Poor Jesse. He was a good student. He too was a mediator."

"No father D, I didn't see him as a ghost. I met him Sunday. He rescued me when my moms car stalled in the middle of no where. Wait what!?" I recollected what he said about the mediator.

"Jesse is a what?"

He looked up from his desk as if I had not asked a very important question.

"That's good that he's not dead. Jesse was an asset to the mediating world. At least this little corner of ours. I'm sure he could teach you a few things about behavior."

I looked away. Trying to remember if he had mentioned anything in the short time I had known him.

"Oh you're just a girl" was the only thing that came to my mind. Could he have seen the specter that drove me out of the car and into his field? And like me, who had mistaken him for the ghost, mistook me?

"Does his family fair well? Its funny that you mention him. I had a call from his father just this morning about his son returning to school to finish out the school year."

I knew that part. Jesse had told me.

"Three heads are absolutely better than two. No offence Susannah, you show excellent remarks on your mediating, but your method of approach is disastrous."

"You're forgetting about Paul." I said as if I had not forgotten about him the last two days. "He's a mediator too."

"Forgive me for laughing Susannah, but Paul Slater has not attempted to help us since the day he got here." It was true if not harsh.

"Is that all? I'm missing out on government, and unlike Spanish, its demanded."

He nodded.

"When Jesse returns, I'd like you to be the one to help him get back into the system. With mediation as well as school. He's a pretty capable student, but its been two years."  
"Yes Father D. I know. He told me." I gathered up my books and stood up.

"Father, does anything seem right recently? Like this isn't how it should be. Like something's totally wrong?"

"I've told you already Susannah, it was the best thing for him. The easiest way to let him go."

"Huh?" I was confused.

"Oh nothing. You better get. Class is almost over."

I wanted to ask him about it. But nothing made sense. And I'm sure his explanation wouldn't help. I checked the big clock and saw that I had two more minutes. I walked as slow as possible to the next class when the halls we're filled with students.

it was friday when i found myself walking back to class after another meeting with Father D.

"Hey Suze." Paul called to me.

I smiled.

"look about Sunday, I meant to help chase you out. But I thought you needed your space."

"MmHmm." I smiled again.

"I have tennis after school. Ill take you out for dinner?"

"Paul you know how Andy feels about dinnertime." it felt good to have an excuse to say no.

"Alright. Call you tonight?"

I nodded and he left without kissing my cheek.

For the first time, in a long time, I felt bad. It was as if I could see for the first time-in a long time-that this was how our relationship. And it wasn't how one should be. I always pictured something like what had happened with Jesse. Could I start over? Can I forget two years as if they never happened? When school was finally over, I headed to the parking lot in hope to leave the school before CeeCee or Adam caught up with me.

"Hey You."

I smiled before I turned to see who it was. How could I not know the voice that kept me tossing and turning (in good way) all night.

"You need a ride?" I looked around Jesse. To see if Paul had got to his car, then I remembered he mentioned tennis.

"I most definitely need a ride."

* * *

**does you feel it? im not sure where its going. any hints? ideas, suggestions?**


	7. i love you too

**i ask myself, how do you tell the guy ur seeing that you have a boyfriend, and how do you tell your boyfriend that you're seeing someone else.?**

* * *

Jesse opened the door for me and walked around to the other side getting in. He started the car and we both left the school.

"It's good to see you Susannah. I was starting to worry if you forgot about me."

I laughed. As if that could happen.

"Me too. I heard you start school soon."

"Yeah, got my mom to consider it, and she pitched the idea to my dad. He called and I start Monday. I just came by to get my stuff from Padre Dominick." his Spanish accent was enticing. He put his hand on mine and I did not pull away. It felt too good.

"You're on good terms with Father D?" I recalled the conversation I had with him on Tuesday.

"You can say that. He's helped me out on a few rough spots."

"My best friend Adam says that you got him out of trouble once involving a statue. I think the statue is cursed because it fell on me once."

"Did it now?"

I nodded. I remembered that particular exorcism. Paul begged me not to go, and he ended up having to chase me out of the school.

I didn't feel like mentioning it.

"Yes, Father Dominick did a lot of explaining. Why didn't you tell me Susannah?"

"Huh?" I felt it was the only safe answer.

"That-Oh, I meant to ask you the last time I saw you. I want to take you out to dinner, if that's alright with you of course. I know it's short notice, and you probably need to clear it with your family first-"

"I'd love to go. But I just remembered I'm at my dad's this weekend." honestly Suze, that has nothing to do-oh that was good. As if the light bulb went off in my head, I had no dinner obligations to Andy tonight.

He smiled.

"Jesse, I'd love to go to dinner with you"

Oh my god Suze! What are you doing!? Are you an idiot?!

"Dad's usually busy, so I end up going with-" I was about to say Paul. This is what happens when you lie! It all comes at you at once. And then Jesse's going to hate you. And Paul's going to hate you. And then you'll have no date for the prom.

As if I was interested in something as meager as prom. It was only a rite of passage to the outside world.

"His girlfriend. She doesn't pick the best places." I ad-libbed.

"I hope you like Mexican."

* * *

By the end of the weekend, Jesse had restored my car to me, or er, my mom. She was extremely grateful, and offered him money for his expenditures.

"Oh no thank you ma'm. it was payment enough to having had the privilege of meeting your beautiful daughter." so she settled for family dinner instead.

It was time, I realized, that I had to tell Jesse about Paul. And vice versa. But how do you tell your boyfriend that you're seeing another guy, and how do you tell the other guy that you've had a boyfriend without it all crashing down. Everything with Jesse was too good. I didn't want to lose it. During the times with Paul, I felt hollow. With Jesse, I felt whole.

"Father D, what do I do?"

"I'm hardly the expert on relationship advice Susannah." he looked at my from the folders on his desk.

"I know I'm going to break it off with Paul, that I'm completely aware of. But I don't want him going to Jesse or hurting him or something. I want to have this right."

"I think you were past right, when you started this relationship with Jesse while you're still attached to Paul."

"It's not like I'm married. Hardly the issue of infidelity. Two years is a long time I know. But it doesn't feel right with Paul. Besides. Paul doesn't pay me any attention at all. When ever we go out, its like he just uses me to show off. Though I don't know how exactly. But he's not going out with me because he likes me. He's going out with me because it was what he wanted. He wanted me. And he found a way to get me. Father, I have the strangest feeling that something isn't right. Like there was a world where I was with Jesse, and Paul-"

"Hmm?"

"Nothing. I have to get to class. Jesse starts today?"

He nodded and handed me a pass.

I walked down the quiet hall. It wasn't the hour yet, only five more minutes. So I tried to walk as slowly as I could. Contemplating. How was I going to go through with it. It's not like I wanted Paul, and it was clear that he was bored of me. The whole weekend, while I was with Jesse, not a call. Not that I had been home to answer, but still. every time I walked into the house, I asked if he called. He didn't.

Could that be why I was with Jesse, because I was being neglected by Paul. No that wasn't true. An evening with Paul always gave me the shivers. I stopped by Paul's first class hiding behind a pillar, where I knew he would be walking by anytime soon.

I checked my watch. Five. Four. Three. Two. One.

Paul was the third to walk out, behind him was Kelly Prescott. They were both laughing as if sharing a certain joke. I couldn't hear because of the clatter of everyone around us. I just kept watching. She leaned in close. He leaned in closer, putting his ear to her mouth as if trying to hear what she had said. He backed away. Nodded twice and then left. When he passed my pillar I stuck out my hand to grab his arm.

"What the-" he stopped mid-sentence when he realized it was me. He looked back to where Kelly had been standing and looked back at me. My expression told him that I had seen that little interaction. I wasn't jealous. Not a pinch. And that was complete honesty. Somehow this made everything easier for me.

"Listen Suze, that wasn't anything. She was just asking-"

"Paul it's okay. I've been meaning to talk to you since that day at your grandfathers. I think we need to have a serious talk about where this is going, because frankly I don't see it going anywhere after right now. You're obviously involved with Ms. Prescott, and suffice to say, I've been seeing someone. You don't know him. He doesn't live in town. And I think it's just better this way. You're with who you really want to be with, and Jesse is who I want to be with. If we continued this on for another two years, we'd only be hurting ourselves.."

The expression on Paul's face was murder.

"You've been cheating on me?"

I laughed.

"Oh seriously Paul. You act like you never sailed that ship before. You cant say that this-me and you- feels right. It doesn't. and I havent been able to breathe in so long. But of course, you never noticed because Tennis, has always me last. It's not that I mind. If it hadn't been for tennis, I wouldn't be where I am. Thanks Paul. See your around." I turned, leaving him by the pillar.

"You cant leave it at this Suze!" he scream followed me down the corridor. Now I needed to find Jesse and explain, before someone else did.

It was lunch time, and I found CeeCee and Adam sitting closely together on a bench. Hmm. Why couldn't I have that?

"Boo." someone put their hands over my eyes, and I jumped.

"Easy, Querida. It's only me." he let me go and turned me around.

"Jesse, we need to talk right now."

The color drained from his face.

"Oh, its not bad news. Well depends on how you see it. But everything's going to be fine now. C'mon." I took him by his hand and led him into an empty court yard. We sat on a bench surrounding the fountain.

"I have to confess something, and I'm not sure you're going to like it. It puts you in danger, but it needs to be said."

"Okay go on."

"When I met you, I had a boyfriend. In fact, up until recently, he was still my boyfriend. But that was only because I couldn't get a hold of him to break it off. I bet you hate me now and never want to see me ever again."

He stood up and ran his hand through his hair. He paced back and forth.

"The time we spent together, was it a lie?"

He stopped and kneeled in front of me taking both my hands in his.

I shook my head.

"None of it was Jesse. I l-like you a lot. And being with you made me realize that Paul was all wrong for me. I think in a perfect world, I wouldn't have been with him at all."

"I'm glad I have been the one to help you. Susannah…" he trailed off

I looked up from our entangled hands.

"Yes Jesse?"

"You could have told me when I first kissed you. I would never have done it."

"So you think this is a mistake? Jesse, if I had cared one ounce for Paul do you think I would have slapped you when you kissed me. I wanted it. I still do. Please Jesse, I'm sorry for keeping this from you. I'm sorry I hurt your honor. You don't know Paul. He's always busy. Today I just found out he'd been cheating on me, and you know what? It didn't bother me. Not one bit."

"Why would you go out with a man if you didn't love him?"

"I don't know. The night we met, when I woke up that morning. Nothing seemed right. Nothing was how it should have been. The past two years ran through my life and I could not remember one moment where I was happy. Until I met you. I could breathe finally. I wasn't hollow anymore. And I liked that feeling so much. "

He looked up from his hands into my face and was smiling.

"which brings me to asking, if I had been in love with Paul, how was my heart still free to give? Could I love another if I supposedly loved him?"

He shook his head.

"No Querida. Not at all." he stood up and walked the length of the courtyard.

I checked my watch, and the time was about there to get to next class.

I stood up.

"Please Jesse, can I get another chance?" when he turned, he was smiling.

He walked slowly. I guess, he was still thinking. When he reached me, he cupped my face with both hands and put his forehead against mine.

He kissed my forehead after awhile, and met his gaze with mine.

"Of course Querida." and right before his lips came down to mine his hot breath pressed against my lips.

"Just so you know, I love you too." and then he kissed me.

It wasn't a kiss like all those other kisses we had shared the past two weeks. This one was more passionate. I could feel his love in the kiss. I gripped on to his arms as if I was begging for life.

But I couldn't help but think.

Paul had never been one to back down with just a word. He wasn't done yet. Was there a problem? Most definitely.

I just let my self be carried away with the kiss, with the pure thought that he loved me, and that he would be there when I faced Paul. Because that would happen sooner or later.

I just wasn't aware close "sooner" was. But I'd be ready. When I had Jesse by my side. I would face anything.

* * *

**hmm, i wonder if i should just end it now. of course i couldnt. not for what i have in mind. i know its rushed, and its not something i'd do. but seriously. i wonder if ya'll know where this is going...**


	8. not so perfect, but nearly there

**i said it wasnt done yet...something has to happen first, though i'm sort of at a lost on how that's exactly going to occur. **

* * *

"Okay Jesse, I promise. I wont peek" I said in my most luring of voices. Was that me talking? I had my eyes closed, but he still wasn't convinced.

"Right Querida. I trust you, just not today."

My eyes were still closed and the scarf he put over my eyes was cool to the touch. I shivered.

He put his hands on my arms, and ran them up and down.

"Are you cold?" he sounded concerned.

The way his hands felt, I looked down to where his arms were at.

I shook my head and melted into his embrace.

His grip tightened and I kissed him under his chin, and then I ran my mouth along his jaw.

His hands gripped my shoulders, and pushed me slightly away, but he still had his hands on me.

"Not here Susannah." I could hear the desire in his voice.

"Where exactly is here Jesse?"

"Nuh-Uh, I'm not telling. it's a surprise." he got my hand and lead me to wherever he was leading me too.

When we came to a stand still, he let my hand go gently, and I heard him walk five steps.

"Jesse?"

"Susannah, I'm still here. don't worry."

Of course he was there. I could feel him through my skin, if that made any sense. Nothing did where he was concerned. But I was truly happy.

I nodded.

Classical music began to play.

A moment later, I felt his breath on my neck.

"This is our first official date" and then he untied the scarf.

I gasped.

We were on the farm, somewhere shady. Under a tree. The sun was high above, so the shade brought comfort. On the floor, a blanket was laying, with a basket, and a radio. That had to be the most romantic thing I've ever been apart of.

"Oh my God! Jesse! This is so sweet!" I turned around to embrace him, and wrung my arms around my neck.

"You like it? Because I could always take you out to dinner. I had asked your friend CeeCee-"

"There is no chance of you taking me out other than this fine picnic right here. Wait, you asked CeeCee for help?"

"More or less. I wanted this to be 'us'. Something you've never done, and I had to ask someone. Why not the best friend of the woman I love?"

I couldn't help but smile.

He cupped my chin with his large brown hand, and rubbed a tear out with his thumb. I couldn't believe it. I was crying.

I calculated the list of dates Paul had taken me on, and they only included dinners at expensive restaurants. Not one of them included a picnic. If we ever ate at the beach, it was because he ended up there after CeeCee, Adam and I had planned one. Never one on one. Never this.

"So you like it then?" Jesse looked worried.

"Of course." he pulled me by my waist and kissed me. First it was soft. Then it was hurried. For me it felt like I was trying to get in all that I could. His arms hugged me closer. I put my arms around his waist. Finally, in need of air, I pulled back.

"I'm sorry Querida." his voice was labored, our foreheads were abutted together.

"I don't know why you're apologizing Jesse."

"It's too soon. I shouldn't want you as much as I do. But I do. Do you ever think, that we were together in a past life? And that we're finally reunited?"

Confusion: did he believe we were soul mates?

I didn't really want to let on what I personally thought: that Paul did something to make it appear that Jesse and I had never met. Only his plan didn't work, because well. Couples like Jesse and I, are destined.

Instead I smiled.

"Sometimes, Jesse."

Don't ask me how I knew. To be honest, I thought I was certifiable for the loony bin. Only someone as crazy as me would come up with that. Talk about paranoid? Only David did say that people who thought they were crazy, weren't crazy. Hmm..

By the end of the food part, Jesse was laying with his head on my waist, I unconsciously ran my fingers through his black hair. Massaging his head, with the tips of my fingers. His eyes were close. It was one of those moments that couldn't be ruined by anything. One you couldn't take a picture of. You just had to live it. And there I was. Living in.

And then my phone rang. I leaned over to the side, trying not to move Jesse, and reached over for my purse. I examined the phone number I could not recognize.

"are you going to answer that Querida?" he looked up.

"I'm debating on it." instead he grabbed the phone from my hand, and hit the green button without glancing at the screen.

"Susannah's phone."

There was a moment's silence.

"I'm afraid I haven't had the _pleasure_ to meet you Slater. Yes, she's right here. Rather busy at the moment. Yes, I'll tell her."

He looked up at me.

"tell me what?"

"I understand what you're trying to do Slater. And I understand what you must be going through. All's fair in love and war. War? You can almost count on it, when you put it that way. Do you now? As I've said before, we're a little busy. I plan to."

He hung up the phone and looked at me as if I had not been there the entire time.

He got up from his position and looked at me.

"Oh my god. You are not going to start anything up with Paul Slater are you?"

"Why, are you afraid I'm going to hurt him?"

"Quiet opposite actually." I bit my tongue the moment the words were out. Jesse didn't know that Paul, as a mediator/shifter, was stronger than the average body builder. Okay, maybe not THAT strong, but you get the idea.

"You think he can take me? Gee, thanks Querida."

"That's not what I meant. Paul is strong. He could hurt you."

"Has he ever hit you before?"

Not that I know of…

"No he hasn't. You shouldn't be starting anything with him on my account."

He was standing now, and I felt like a child sitting still, looking up. I stood up.

"I don't think your Slater, is going to try anything with me. So it's okay."

"He is not MY Slater. He isn't my anything. You just don't know do you? Paul is different. I'm different." I put my hands in his.

"I'm afraid I don't understand."

"Ask Father Dominic. I'm sure he'll be happy to tell you." I dropped his hands.

I began putting the stuff back into the picnic basket , but Jesse stopped me by taking my hands and dragging me up.

"Okay, I promise Susannah. I wont do anything, unless he does it first."

He kissed me on the lips to seal his promise.

I only wished that was enough.

* * *

**I think I have issues...my creative writing teacher said i was 'philosphical' if only i could spell it...**


	9. double you tee effe

**This isnt exactly what i wanted to write for this chapter...but im trying to remember where this story was going...**

* * *

I was sitting in government, trying to pay attention. Honestly I was. I shared this class with 20 other people, and in those twenty, Paul, Jesse, and Kelly-look-at-me-Prescott surrounded three of my four corners. I sat in the middle, with my head held up by my right arm. Jesse kept glancing at me from his seat next to mine, urging me to pay attention. I sat straight, and looked around the room.

"Are you lost Simon?" Kelly whispered from the seat behind me.

Jesse tapped my desk in order to get my attention away from the blonde behind me.

"What Suze, you need Rico here to keep you in line?"

I heard a pencil break from the person seated to my right. _Not now Jesse. _

I looked at him. Silently pleading for him not to start anything. I remembered our conversation the other day at the ranch.

_I wont do anything, unless he does it first_

I looked forward, trying to keep my gaze away from the two glares facing each other, but the same two that put me in the middle-almost literally-of their war.

Okay, so Paul had his right. Jesse unconsciously took me away from him. But it was more of my fault than anything. Jesse didn't tell me to fall in love with him. It just happened.

_If Paul had a problem, then his problem was with me. _

Just then everyone turned in their seats, Mr. O'Neil stopped talking, and everyone was looking at me.

Had I said that out loud?

"Slater, de Silva, Simon? Is there a problem?"

I'm not exactly sure how Jesse's name came into the list, but then I turned to look at him and saw him standing up, facing Paul, hands fisted.

"I believe there is a problem here Mr. O'Neil. Wouldn't you say de Silva?"

Jesse didn't say a word. In a past life (before Paul), I'd always wondered what it would be like if two guys were fighting over me. Of course, this hadn't happened in New York, but now that it was happening, I didn't like it. I didn't like it one bit.

"Jesse, it's okay, sit down before you get in trouble." Jesse looked down at me, and his face seemed to soften, but he looked away to the teacher, and sat down.

"Oh yes, Jesse. You don't want to get in trouble. Listen to Suze like a good little boy and sit down."

Jesse was still sitting, but his hands were clenched, and his jaw was hard once more.

"de Silva, Slater. Detention, tomorrow after school"

"Oh Teech. Don't do this. Paul and I have reservations at-"

"Well, then you can cancel them for detention to Ms. Prescott."

I couldn't let Jesse be alone with the two of them for however long Mr. O'Neil tried to keep them.

"Um, Kelly, you might want to schedule it in your diary." I said it loud enough for everyone to hear it.

"Simon. You're welcome to join us. In fact. It's mandatory."

I smiled with contentment, and nodded.

"Sure Mr. O'Neil. I'll be there."

When the bell rang, I was the first to get out of my seat and walk out. Paul was escorted out by Kelly, and Jesse was the last to walk out.

"Jesse you promised." I grabbed his hand, and stopped him.

"Susannah, I know. I really am trying. But when he says things like that. Insinuating that I'm treating you like a slave. I don't want you leave me."

I heard the fear in his voice.

I grabbed his hands, as the halls cleared for lunch.

Never in my life had I met a guy who was so in touch with his feelings. Jesse, who was always so calm, and sure, now fearful.

"Jesse," I kept the gaze straight, and I put his hands on my heart.

"There is nothing that can be said or done to make me go back with Paul. I love _you. _I know who you are, and that you'd never put me in danger. Which is one of the reasons why I love you. The comparisons between you two are like night and day. And I happen to prefer the night time. Just ignore him."

Jesse nodded, and then smiled.

"You really love me?"

I couldn't help but laugh.

I stood on my tip-toes, because Jesse being who he was, was very tall. I barely pressed my lips to his, when I heard the sound of laughter and froze.

"Awe, how sweet."

The difference between anyone living, and anyone dead was remarkably obvious. For once, they were transparent, as we were not, and they glowed, as we did not. I felt Jesse tense beside me.

"Querida, I think you should go to lunch. I'll meet you there soon."

It was about the ghost?

I knew for a while, that Jesse had some ability to see ghost as I did, but it hit me that he didn't know about my ability. Wasn't that something Father D. would have told him right? Or was that my job?

Now was better than never right?

"Jesse, you see him right?"

The ghost was about as tall as Jesse, but somehow older. His hair and eyes were dark, and his face looked as if he had been dark in it's previous life.

"Susannah go-wait you see him?"

Jesse looked from the ghost and me.

"If you're referring to the ghost, then yes. I see him. I meant to tell you sooner, but it just slipped my mind."

"Then you are a mediator too?"

"And so is Paul. Only he doesn't help them. He considers himself God's Greatest Gift to the world.

"HELLO!" the ground shook, and Jesse moved himself in front of me.

"Do I know you?" Jesse asked the ghost, scrutizing both of our faces.

"You might. But she does." he gestured to me. His accent was Hispanic, and I couldn't recall why he was so familiar.

"de Silva are you not?" he asked Jesse.

"Yes."

"You're family and I go way back. It was this one's fault I ended up dead and you ended up riding towards you're ranch, and onto the life that should have been mine."

Judging by our confusion, the ghost rolled his eyes.

"He did something didn't he? That's why I'm here?"

"When exactly did you die?" I asked. Judging by his appearance, I'd say mid 1800's.

"Too long. I was sleeping pretty nicely. Until I heard a voice calling me. Waking me up. Talking about revenge. Then I see you, and what is a guy to think? I remember the night I followed you into the barn, and this one was there. It was all good, until I fell." the ghost kept on talking.

"What do you mean he did something? Who are you talking about?" Jesse asked, cutting off the cowboy.

"There were three of you total on the loft. Didnt see much of him, but i've been dead enough to think it through."

all of a sudden, Paul appeared almost out of nowhere next to the ghost, and he held on to the ghost's arm.

"You werent supposed to be here." he looked at the ghost.

Just as quick as he'd come, they were both gone.

"What---"

"We need to get out of here, i have to show you something" Jesse grabbed my hand and the next thing i knew, we were in his truck heading towards his house.

* * *

We were in the library about a half hour later looking through old books. Well i was looking through old books, Jesse was scanning the wall of portraits. 

"Jesse, what exactly are we looking for?"

"The ghost said that my family and his family go way back, there has to be some picture of him somewhere. That tells us who he is at least."

I joined him at the wall, and pointed to the one in the top corner.

"There. Look. What's the caption say?"

Jesse had acquired a ladder and climbed up to take a closer look.

"Nombre di Dios Susannah."

I walked over to the bottom of the ladder where Jesse was climbing over.

"I've seen this man before. Remember that story with my ancestor, where one tried to kill him on the way to meet his bride?"

I nodded, okay Jesse get to the point.

"This is that man."

I looked at the picture and recognized him as the ghost that was in the school just hours before.

"Felix Diego?" Never heard of him, but he sure did look familar.

* * *

**my mom is rushing me!!!**


	10. raises hand

**Honestly, I don't know where this came from...ENJOY!**

* * *

I called my house, to ask permission to stay for dinner. It'd be easier, and Jesse would be able to eat a nice warm meal, instead of having to drive back and forth.

"Of course Susie. Oh yes I understand." Mom said and hung up after we said our goodbyes.

I don't remember what we had for dinner, but just the fact that Jesse was silent thru the whole meal. Barely answering questions that his mom and dad threw at him. As soon as he was done, he got up from the table and headed to the stairway. I finished quicker than I would normally eat, thanked the de Silva's for the meal, and followed him.

"Jesse?" I whispered. The top floor was filled with a hallway that reminded me of that place where the ghost go. There were pictures along the doors, modern and ones that appeared to have been painted. I stopped at the portrait of Hector de Silva. The one whom Jesse looked identical to. These were his younger days. Not the old man in the portrait I'd seen in the library. The resemblance was uncanny. I don't know how long I stared at the picture, but I couldn't look away. There was something about him that seemed so familiar.

Yes, I know that's because my boyfriend looked like him in almost every aspect, but something more seemed to be in the works too.

My hand clutched my heart, it was beating very fast. When it quieted I heard a voice.

"Who are you?" It was Jesse's.

There was a moment of silence.

"I asked you a question. If you don't want to comply, maybe you should leave."

No one else spoke for a minute, but then the silence was ripped apart by the shattering of glass.

A second later, and Jesse opened the door, to find that I was standing right in front of it.

"Let's get you home."

We didn't say a word on the ride home, and Jesse didn't grab my hand as he usually did.

When we got to the front of my house, I quickly jumped out of my seat, and opened the door before Jesse could do it for me.

"Susannah wait!" he called out and ran to where I was walking.

"What is it Jesse? You've been a little distant ever since the library."

"It's just odd that's all. And then today at school. We were so close to finding out what that ghost wanted, and then Slater comes up and takes him up there."

"Jesse, it's been a terribly long day. I love you. And drive home safely." I stepped forward so I could kiss him.

His hand cusped my neck as he deepened the kiss. The wind chilled and whooshed around us. I clung to him as I was taken to a new seat of passion.

"I love you too Susannah." and kissed him further. By the time we finished, Jesse and I were out of breath and our foreheads were pressed together.

"I love you too." he said again, and we broke apart. He kissed me a final time on my forehead and walked to his truck. I waved him off and went into the house after he drove off.

Mom and Andy must have went out, and all the boys were occupied in their rooms.

I strolled down to my room to see something I'd never thought I'd see. It was Jesse. Only he was a ghost.

The next thing I knew, I fell to the floor, and everything went black.

I might have been dreaming. I don't know what it was.

More memories, only my head wasn't hurting this time.

First, a flash of Jesse again. Slightly glowing, and smiling down at me. We were at the mission

"_your cold Querida. You're shivering." he was speaking into my hair, with his arms around me. _

And next another flash.

"_Slater is always going to be up to something where you're concerned Susannah, he's in love with you. Ignore him, and eventually he'll go away" _

The scene changed quick this time it was Paul.

"_We have an agreement." I had said_

"_I promised I wouldn't kill him, I didn't say anything about keeping him from dying in the first place"_

I woke up. Alone. In a dark room. On my bed? After showering and getting ready for school the next day, I combed through my hair and went to bed. For a moment, I could swear I heard the faint sound of "oh Susannah" being hummed.

"Suze are you okay?"

"Huh? What?"

"You haven't heard a word I said have you?"

I looked up from the uneaten nachos, to CeeCee's concerned expression.

"Sorry Cee, I had this-well I don't know what it was. Just cant seem to concentrate."

"Where's Jesse?"

That brought me out of my daze and I looked up once more.

"I have no idea. Seriously, I don't know what's going on with him. One minute he's mad at me, and the next he's regular old Jesse."

"Trouble in paradise I see…"the voice ran a shiver through my spine.

"You don't see anything Slater. You never have, and you never will." My gaze matched his icy blue one. The bravado that was moving through my veins was wearing off a little bit

"I see more you give me credit for. You wouldn't have all this. If it wasn't for me."

"Slater what are you doing?"

Jesse came from behind me and put his hand on my shoulder. The brave I was feeling returned and I straightened up putting my hand on Jesse's.

"Is there anything you need?" Jesse said calmly.

"What he needs and what he wants are entirely different categories." I put in.

"Just remember Suze, oh wait you wont." and he walked away.

Jesse sat to the right of me reaching for my chips. "You're just going to let him walk away?" I asked ignoring CeeCee who was avidly staring at me as if she was trying to talk to me through our minds (AN:its pretty funny if u know what im talking about)

"Yes. If you ignore him, he'll eventually go away."

Now, why does that sound familiar?

Thankfully, a minute after Jesse sat, the courtyard started to empty.

"Catch you later Suze." CeeCee ran off leaving only me and Jesse.

The wind wooshed past us and my hair flew around my face.

I picked up my folder and before I could stand, Jesse grabbed my hand.

"Please sit for minute."

We were going to be late, but I didn't want to mention it. Maybe, just maybe he'd tell me what was wrong. But as the proctor nuns left us to ourselves, I patiently waited for him to explain.

"Querida, I don't know how much time I have, but something happened. I think Slater did something. I was sleeping. And then I'm here. I died so long ago, only I was thinking I'd never see you again. I remembered you. I remembered everything."

"Jesse you're scaring me."

"Remember Beaumont? And you stabbed his uncle with the pencil because you though he was a vampire? He almost killed you then. And then that angry girl. The one who made the statue fall on you? I think I knew then. That I loved you. Or maybe it was when you opened the door and looked directly at me for the first time."

I tugged my hand away.

"My favorite, of course there are a lot of them that are favorite, but this one stands out because you came to feed Spike. Do you remember Spike? You looked at me, your hair was wet."

"Jesse…"

He grabbed my arms and kissed me. It wasn't a kiss like we had shared in the last few weeks. It was as if he hadn't seen me in years. Much like the kiss we shared the other day in my car port. His hands moved to my waist and mine went around his neck.

"Excuse me. Isn't there a class you should be getting to?" one of the novice's folded her arms and tapped her foot against the pavement.

Jesse had grown red, and I pushed away from him.

"We were on our ways to see Father Dominick. He requested us to join him after lunch."

"Get to it then."

Jesse and I walked down the quiet hall.

"Jesse, what was that about?" I asked.

He looked at me as if he seriously had no idea what I was talking about.

"Umm, Susannah, we've just been caught by a nun. PDA…I'm pretty sure discretion is advised in a catholic church."

"That's not what I'm talking about."

"Well I have no idea what you're talking about. I told you to watch it around Slater."

I looked at the door that we reached. What the heck was going on?

* * *

**Raise your hand if you're confused!  
I'll try to have the next up ASAP, I have a beginning, a middle, and an Ending..i just dont know how to go from Middle to Ending right now...its almost done though. **


	11. his past and future

im so sorry it sucks. and im not looking for compliments. I just did this cause i wasbored..honestly. i dont even know where itsgoing..but its pretty interesting.

* * *

Father Dominic sat at his desk with his hands folding across his desk as if he were expecting us. There was something wrong. Don't get me wrong, I'm not psychic. It was an inner feeling.

"I'm afraid we have a problem." Jesse said holding out the seat in front of the desk for me to sit in. Was it going to take this long? I sat, and then he took up in the empty chair to my left.

"A problem? Is this what we discussed last night?"

Last night?

"You mean when-"

"I don't see how it could have happened. But I know it was him. He's trying to come back."

"EXCUSE ME!" it didn't really sound that loud.

"Yes Susannah?" Father Dom asked.

"Am I here just to be confused, or are one of you two going to clue me in?"

Jesse sighed and then looked at Father Dom.

"I'm not even sure how to explain it." Jesse admitted.

"Mr. Slater came to my office this morning, rather concerned about Jesse here. He claims that Hector De Silva is trying to come back and reclaim a life."

"Paul told you this…and you believed him?"

"Despite you're personal feelings against Mr. Slater, he does have a reputable mind when it comes with dealing with ghost."

"HAH!"

Jesse through one of those sideways glares that moved the grin from my face.

"What does it mean? If Hector comes back?"

"He cant. Because Jesse is Hector. Of course not his body, but his soul. In everything that Hector was, Jesse is."

"Okay, I'm confused."

"It means, that I'm occupying the body my Uncle would need to come back. Our souls match. Except, I don't understand how a part of the soul was able to stay. Shouldn't the whole soul leave when the body dies?"

"Usually. Unless it has unfinished business. But then the soul wouldn't be allowed to be born again and again."

"All or none?" I added.

Father D. nodded.

"Obviously, it doesn't work like that with this case. Hector did something to keep part of his soul here. Not all of it. Just a little bit, so he'd be able to do this later."

The room grew cold, and I clutched my heart.

"Susannah?"

I looked up to see Jesse sitting next to me, but it wasn't him I saw. Well it was, but he was glowing. And we were no longer in the principals office.

I looked up, and we were in a field.

"Jesse?"

He looked cautious for a minute. But then his smile grew from ear to ear.

"It is you. You don't know how long I've waited to see you again." he brought me closer and wrapped his arms around me tightly.

"What are you talking about. We're together right now."

I felt him shake his head in the negative.

"We haven't been together since that one day in your room."

"You've never been in my room Jesse." I brought my arms to his chest and I could feel his heart beating against my palm.

"There's a lot to explain, but he told me it might me dangerous for you like this."

"He?"

Out of nowhere, another Jesse came out of the field.

I tried to move out of Jesse's embrace, but he held me with tight arms.

"I'm not going to hurt you Susannah. Please don't be afraid.

"Who are you?" I looked into Jesse's eyes, and saw him. But there was something right this time. This was a different Jesse than the one I saw regularly. When I'd first met Jesse, despite the curious familiarity, I still didn't know him. This Jesse, the one whose arms I was currently in held me as if he knew me. As if he knew my soul. As if we had history.

It wasn't the Jesse who held me who answered.

"Our name is Hector De Silva. Of course. I only met you once, it was this Jesse whom you fell in love with. The Jesse you know is something of our great nephew."

"Wait I don't get it. You're old. He's young. How can there be three parts of a soul.

"This Jesse," Old Jesse gestured towards Younger Jesse "is my past. I am his future, or I would have been if he hadn't been murdered."

"If he was murdered, how are you old. Ghost don't grow old."

"You saved us. Though not by your choice. You did because you loved him." Again, he gestured towards Younger Jesse.

"That still doesn't explain how you are still a young ghost if you hadn't died when you supposedly died."

"You're tying yourself in an unnecessary knot Querida."  
"Then explain it to me."

He pressed his lips to my forehead.

"In time I promise."

Old Jesse smiled.

"I promised something to someone once. I never knew that it would have this sort of effect. That it could be so powerful."

"Susannah."

Young Jesse looked up to see who had called.

"We're going to fix this Susannah." he whispered.

"Fix what?"

"Everything will be how it should be."

"Are you going to harm him. Uh. You?"

"This isn't about me. It's about you. Do you know how much danger your in? How much you need me?"

"How much I need you?"  
"Don't take it the wrong way Querida. You've always been independent. But there were times when you could have died had it not been for me. I was able to stay with you these last two years to keep you from hurting yourself, or getting hurt by other ghosts."

"It was you in the cornfield, when my car stalled. When I met Jesse."

He nodded.

"SUSANNAH!"

"he's calling you. I'll see you soon." he kissed me this time. Softly at first, but then it grew heated, and the next thing I was looking into Jesse's eyes once more and we were back in the office.

* * *

**see what i mean. it reeks of confusement...**


	12. a promise made is a debt unpaid

**Did you know that confusement isnt even a word? lol.**

* * *

I stared into Jesse's eyes, barely recognizing for the first time that he wasn't in them. It wasn't like it hadn't been there before. It'd been there the whole time. I just didn't see it until now.

It was kind of like having something missing in your life. You go day by day, looking for something that's until BOOM! You get it. You have it now. You're in pure bliss. Even if you only have it for a second, once its gone again, you miss it forever and ever after.

I was lying on the couch with Jesse kneeling over me. As if this was the first time I'd seen him, I caressed his cheek with my hand. It was saddening and I didn't even know why. He had dark circles under his eyes and he looked tired. I remembered with the other Jesse's had said. Two parts of a soul couldn't exist. It was one or the other. Which only meant one thing.

"It's killing you isn't it." it wasn't a question, merely a statement. He was confused, but troubled by my words. I sat up, and the world started spinning. I grabbed onto Jesse's shoulders and leaned back on the couch. Father Dom and Jesse did stare, and I suspect I did owe them an explanation, but what could I say? Sorry Jesse, but half of you is missing, and its all because of me. Hah!

"Um Susannah, what was that about?"

I looked at Jesse, saw the question in his eyes.

"I fainted."

"Apparently so Susannah." Father Dom., who looked worried added.

"um, you were saying something about Paul." I recalled his name mentioned earlier.

"Uh. Well, he was in here this morning."

"Yeah, I got the part about him thinking Jesse is in danger of his other self. And then this Hector doing something to keep his soul here."

"Part of his soul. Not all of it. If it had been all of it, he'd have stayed a ghost, and Jesse here wouldn't have been born. " Father Dom went around and sat back at his desk

"But if you said it was All or None. How could he have left even a little part? That would mean Jesse isn't whole, and its common sense two of the same souls cant co-exist."

"Then this other situation comes into play. The part that is co-existing with Jesse is a part that is missing from him. So they're co-existing in a way that isn't conflicting."

But…

"But if Paul is correct, then this other portion of the soul is trying to take hold, then it could be harmful to Jesse."

Jesse sat with his hands folded between his knees and his face averted to the floor, as if he'd been given the worse news of his life.

Just then, Paul took the moment to walk into the office.

"You rang?" he sat on the edge of the desk with his ankles and arms crossed.

"What is he doing here?" I stood up.

"Paul Slater is just as much of a mediator as you and Jesse." Father Dom added.

"So what is this, a mediator conference. I don't want him 100 ft around Jesse or me."

"Considering we go to the same school, don't you think that might be a little difficult to manage Suze?"

I took a stance with my clenched fists at my sides. Paul stood upright as if prepared to take the blow.

"Mr. Slater has a plan to rid us of this little problem."

"Problem? We're talking about a part of Jesse's soul. We cant just exorcise a part of his soul. He'll be incomplete. I'm sorry, but that sounds unethical."

"Then what do you suppose we do Suze? Let this old ghost take Jesse's body? How is that going to feel kissing a 80 year old in a 18 year old guy's body?"

Surprisingly, the idea didn't bother me.

"Okay, that's enough. Hector is not going to take Jesse's body."

"Why don't we let it? Why don't we give Jesse his missing part back? Then he'll be whole again."

"This isn't as simple as that Susannah."

"You guys are tying yourself into a knot." Jesse finally said.

"What do you mean Jesse?" I sat back by his side and grabbed his limp hand with both of mine.

"Leave it alone. It hasn't bothered me these past 18 years, so it shouldn't bother me now."

"Jesse-"

"I said leave it. If anything, I'll deal with it on my own." He squeezed my hand and looked at me for the first time in the past half hour.

I nodded and trusted his decision.

"Awe. This is all touching and all, but you cant run from the truth. This ghost is only going to hurt you in the long run." Paul said before walking out.

His sincerity was fake, and apparently I was the only one who saw through it. There was something behind this. I wasn't being paranoid. Paul was up to something.

After Paul left, Jesse left. Was I supposed to follow? I stayed in the office and just looked at Father Dom.

"This isn't done with Father D. Paul's up to something, and I'm going to find out what it is." I strolled out of the room. My grand exit was ruined by this glowing object standing right there. I fell back to the floor. The glowing hand was outstretched to me and I grabbed on as if it were any other hand. If a bystander had been watching, surely they would have been freaked out. I pulled on the hand and was brought closer to the ghost that had lifted me up.

"Hello Querida."

Something told me that not all things were as simple as they seemed.


	13. by just exchange one for the other given

the poem is titled my true love hath my heart by some guy whose name i forgot to spell. enjoy this. i actually think i have one more chapter. a long one. just been busy with these other books. read eclipse..and if u dont know what im talking about, read twilight and new moon, then eclipse. stephenie meyer is a genius!!

* * *

So I was a little freaked out by the glowing apparition that suddenly appeared to my aid. If Jesse saw him, what would he think? He would know I was hiding something. I couldn't tear my gaze away from the dark pools that were this Jesse's eyes. The sense of familiarity over whelmed me and I fought everything not to embrace his arms.

"What if he sees you?" I asked. He held both my hands and pulled them forward so I was closer to him to hear his whispered words.

"We'll see if he can."

Just then Jesse turned the corner.

"Susannah, I'm sorry but I need to get out of here." He paid no attention to his ghostly version of himself that stood at my side.

"You don't see him then?" I asked.

He looked behind him, and then behind me. He chuckled.

"I think you hit your head harder then we think. Maybe I should take you to the emergency room." Ghost Jesse laughed too, but the look of concern mirrored Jesse's expression.

"Perhaps I did. It's okay though. I'll be fine. Besides, I'll probably get busted for ditching again. Call me later?"

He nodded before looking around to see if any novices were around before kissing me. It felt awkward with Ghost Jesse standing next to me, but I saw when I got up for air that Ghost Jesse turned the other way as if to not interrupt the tender moment. I couldn't tell if he was annoyed or just trying to give us some privacy.

When Jesse walked away, I turned to Ghost Jesse who had his arms folded in such a Live Jesse way leaning against the column behind me.

"You love him?"

I nodded.

"Then this must be hard for you, to watch him suffer so. I was having second thoughts about it, but then it would only hurt you."

"Second thoughts about what?" I started walking, hoping he would follow. He did. We walked into the empty courtyard and I sat on the bench.

"On whether or not I should just stay as I am. He's right. I've never bothered him before, but why is it now? Why after he's met you? And then I figured it out."

He held my hand, but this time without a certain grip.

"I guess I'm not as strong as I hoped." He looked down to his fading hand.

"Are you leaving me?" I couldn't hide the trace of fright from my voice.

"Never. That's what it is Susannah. I could never leave you. No matter what. It's not fair to you. It was the plan all along. Before all of this happened, I planned to let you go. Now that you did the deed yourself, it turns out I can't leave you."

"Jesse. I'm tired of these open ended explanations. You need to tell me what's going on."

The corner of his mouth lifted, but he still looked down at our entwined fingers."

"If I explain it to you, maybe you won't end up doing the right thing. Maybe if you fix it, I'll go away and I won't be here anymore. It's selfish of me, but I can't trust this invisible fate that has let me stay with you."

"Then let me be on the same page. Let me understand."

"You asked me why he couldn't see me. He hasn't been able to see me except for my one slip up. I've been with you the entire time, and until your paths crossed, I was not a bother to him. He has never had the meager soul I have in me, nor has any of his relatives. When you sent me back the first time, it was missing from me. The whole me. This boy's ancestor Hector de Silva."

"How did I save you?"

"Slater wanted you, and the only way to get you was to get rid of me. He went back to my past, and you followed him. I don't know what happened, but all I knew is that no one else could see me. I remembered everything, the first time I ever saw you, the first time anyone ever saw me. But then there you were. It was fine being just your shadow. Making sure you were okay served a purpose. Until he came. And then I was reduced to just standing by. Watching you smile at someone the way you smiled at me. It was hard. But still. I could not leave. At first, I backed off. Let him take care of you. But he was different this boy. He didn't care about you completely. Sure he loved you, until you served his purposes."

Of course I knew this. It was completely something Paul would do.

"So I was protecting you. The same as always. There were a lot of close encounters. Your brothers were a big help. Since I wasn't in my usual ghost form, it was easy to possess them to help you. It didn't hurt them. And they didn't remember much of anything, so it didn't clue them in about your secret.

"everything was okay, until a few weeks ago. You wandered out on a deserted street, trouble with your car. never in my time as your guardian had I felt a pull so strong. I saw him at first, and wondered what was going on. I left you for a moment, only to see who he was. In all of the other times, I had tried to leave you, that had failed, Iwas free. But he was no threat. And it turns out, he's my own family. In everything that I ever was, and wanted to be. I had many questions, but no one to see me to answer them. Then I started to see what happened with you two. I guess blood will tell, he was attracted to you, but then all along he was me. The rest of me."

"I still dont get how you became stuck with me in the first place."

"I shouldn't have put it so bluntly Querida. It wasn't so bad, except watching you with Slater, the very man who made me like this. He changed the past. Susannah Simon and I met one day when she walked into the room I was murdered in. She was the first person who'd looked at me in nearly a century and a half. I was a ghost, and she the mediator. Of course, she tried to send me off, but it wasn't meant to be like that. After a few disasters, the same ones you went through when you first arrived, I kissed her. Despite everything I was against, I kissed her. Me a ghost, kissed a human girl. Things aren't supposed to be like that. She was supposed to be with a human. Someone who could breathe. But again, Despite everything, we were together. I loved her. She loved me. No matter how much I tried not to."

"No one ever plans who they fall in love with." I mumbled.

He put his hand under my chin, and brought it up to meet his gaze.

"It's Destiny. Fate."

We sat there in silence until he resumed his tale.

"You were in a cemetery, looking at my grave stone when I forgot every moral. I kissed you again, for the second time, and I didnt care anymore. If I was going to be stuck on this Hell on Earth, I might as well enjoy it. Slater didn't like that, and he took to telling me any chance he could get. It only increased the power of the blow. But i never wanted to leave you. He took the liberties, and you went after him. We've come full circle Querida. Paul knows who I am, and he wants to hide what he's done. By hurting me, he hurts the rest of me. God only knows what can happen. "

"So by not meeting you then, it changed my entire life?"

"somewhat. It's only different because reincarnated Me is alive and breathing, and i'm still here."

"I get what you're saying Jesse, but this isnt about knowing. It's about remembering. That bastard thought to take you from my memory...And it still didnt work. I'm still with you, in some variation or another. I know deep inside that what you're saying is true. Since that first day I met Jesse, uh ,the other Jesse, you, even before I met him, I knew. The question is why is this hurting him?"

"Because I'm getting stronger. There's only one reason why I'm here, and that's you. I'm apart of you."

"_My true love hath my heart, and I have his_." I quoted from memory. It was one of my favorite poems. I understood now.

_By just exchange one for the other given.  
I hold his dear, and mine he cannot miss._

_There never was a bargain better driven._

I felt my beating heart quicken. I put my hand on his, surprised that it almost went through him, as if he were moving on. In a way I kept his heart from beating, his full heart at least. His other part was in Jesse, my Jesse. But this Jesse was mine too.

_His heart in me keeps me and him in one;  
My heart in him his thoughts and senses guides:  
He loves my heart, for once it was his own;  
I cherish his because in me it bides._

My heart was never my own, even from the first moment that I knew Jesse, the one that was able to breathe, I knew he had it. That it was predestined. Who knew how right i'd been. That in another world, we were already in love.

_His heart his wound received from my sight;  
My heart was wounded with his wounded heart;  
For as from me on him his hurt did light,  
So still, methought, in me his hurt did smart:_

It was suddently clear, everything that I had not been sure of. Paul had a plan. I knew what it was. He would try to destroy the last piece of Jesse that still held on to the old me. And in doing so, he would destroy Jesse. Was i going to stop him?

_Both equal hurt, in this change sought our bliss,  
My true love hath my heart and I have his._

Hell yes.

* * *

does it make sense now? 


End file.
